If it comes to the point where it is a matter of holding or letting go, the decision would still not come easy. Id like to hold on as much as possible because just because. However just because isn’t always the case. Holding on means prolonging such painful psychological state and letting go means freedom from disillusionment.

But why is letting go harder than holding on? It may come easy because it is the most logical thing to do but the decision of the brain cannot always dictate the desires of the heart.

Hurt. This is the feeling when some cosmic conspiracy takes away what one likes so much and there’s virtually nothing can be done about it.  

first it was the position that i sour graped from. the title was a little bit too much for me and i wasnt sure of the compensation. one things for sure though, the directress trusted me with the workload. two days of making pa-cute, they already hired someone for the job. just when i was about to approach the directress and take her offer. bummer. it suddenly dawned to me, i needed the name and i could just imagine where that name could take me after a few cartwheels with the people around me. unfortunately its just a little too late for the epiphany.

and so i define petiks again and whine about needing a project bcz im in dire need of cashiola for an endless list of stuff i need and bills to pay when suddenly a friend seeks my attention. there goes my mobile ringing, sounding its nokia nostalgia tone. i press silence. haha. i dont feel like chit chatting at the moment, im at the mall wandering about. here comes a text from her asking why i wasnt replying to the YM messages, sms, and calls and there goes my finger pressing on the delete button.

and now i just had to type away with these blahs for i have to put myself under theraphy bcz the good ol friend was looking for me to book me for a stint in a two-day weekened event in batangas. good heavens! thats the event i was told about a month before and i would have loved to do the event if it wasnt for my senses that so need some caffeine. i would have done it for a minimal fee but my friend just told me (minutes ago over YM [bcz im online and she is too]) the TF was a little maximal. haha. ok im exaggerating but hey, a no namer host wouldnt get that much TF.

anyhow, i just need to release this burden on my psyche. im close to picking up that HELP WANTED sign i saw along the road.

Ill wait for that sometime somewhere when youll look at me the way ive always wanted and your sometime will be mine as your somewhere will be anywhere with me.

In that sometime somewhere ill be happy with the love that ive waited for all my life.

But that sometime somewhere is uncertain like the enigma of the way you look in my eyes.

And maybe when that sometime somewhere comes, my heart beats for someone else who has captured my now and has promised me forever. 

I just wish our sometime somewhere is here and now as we look to forever with our two hearts beating as one.

nagugutom ba ako? e kakakain ko lang kanikanina. nakaisang extra rice pa nga ako e. hidni naman ako dapat magutom. pero parang gusto kong kumain. yung matamis naman. yung hindi dry. mag dirty ice cream kaya ako? ay hindi, masarap yung mango bravo. parang light lang naman sya e and very moist. hindi sya masyadong matamis pero lasang lasa yung mango flavor. its best consumed chilled. parang ice cream na rin yun na matutunaw sa bibig. *snap*

parang napaparami ata ang kain ko sa mga nakalipas na buwan. ansabi ng ate ko malakas daw talaga ako kumain. ang sabi naman ng tatay ko, one word, glut. gusto kong magglutathione pero alam kong hindi naman yun ang tinutukoy ng nya. medyo napahiya naman ako kasi parang feeling ko matutuwa sya na kain karpintero ako. ouch.

parang may nagcomment ata sa isa sa mga multiply pix ko na tumataba raw ako. at ang kadalasang bati sakin ng mga tao ngayon ay, 'hey what happened to your face?' o kaya, 'huy tumaba ka.' eto pa, yung isang friend ko na itatago na lang natin sa pangalang earvin na matapos kong panoorin ang dance nila sa ccp ay babatiin ako sa lobby ng 'huy antaba mo na.'sabay yakap ng mahigpit. ansaya. hindi lang naman ako ang mataba ah. tignan mo naman si amabelle. si vanna anlaki ng tyan. isama mo pa yang si real. si karen din namromroblema na naman sa katawan nya e. patabaan na yata ang labanan ngayon. pero parang hindi.

ano nga ba ibig sabihin ng sour grapes at sweet lemons? pareho naman sigurong malasa yung mga yun. e yung bitterness? alam naman ng maraming tao lasa nun. e yung gutom? naranasan ko na yung tipong kumakalam na yung sikmura ko pero hidni pa ako pedeng kumain sa ilang mga kadahilanan. ang lungkot namang isipin na nagugutom ako. yung tipong gusto ko nang kumain pero di pa pwede. pero mas malungkot atang na nagugutom ako pero pinipigilan ko lang ang sarili kong kumain kasin nasa harap ko na ang pagkain dahil iniisip kong dadagdag lang sa mass ko ang pagkaing kakainin. mali ata yung ganun.

balita ko mas mahal magdiet kesa ang magsuper eat all you can buffet kung kelan ko gusto. southbeach diet has been pop and there are even deliveries for this kind of meal regulation but its a little pricey than a regular fastfood meal. meron nga ring book na about sa diet kaso sobrang effort naman ang maghanap ng mga dahon dahon na ngunguyain kong parang kambing. pati na ang mga nuts at dressing sa ilang piling stores lang meron. ang crash diet naman ay detrimental sabi nila. pano na yung mga gustong magpapayat? e di naman mawawala ang gutom. lalo na ang cravings. btw, masarap pla ang chocolate cake sa cravings.

uso na rin ang mga gym ngayon. work out work out daw para matunaw ang taba. kakapagod. ambibigat ng mga kailangang buhatin. effort magcardio. tamad ba ang tawag sa taong katulad ko? naalala ko tuloy si fat bastard ng austin powers. such a nice picture in the mind. lolz.

diet pills. meron pang whitening na kasama. haha. droga. iinumin mo lang di ka na kakain. o kaya naman magdedetoxify ka ng mabilis. ayoko naman nun. pero gusto kong subukan yung diet pills an hindi raw ako makakaramdam ng gutom. yung tipiong gabi na pero wla pa akong kinakain na kahit ano. tapos nahihilo na lang ako kasi wlang laman tyan ko. ayus yun. papayat talaga ako. matutuyo pati utak ko. hindi ko na kasi iisipn ang gutom. hunger wouldnt exist even in my imagination. papayat ako. yung tipong payat tapos mukang hott pero hindi na makacomprehend ng mga bagay bagay kasi payat na rin ang utak. ahaha. teka hindi ko ata kaya yun.

Old photos, new you. Thank you for finding your way back. Thank you for picking me up along the way towards your new road.

I have a lot to thank you for. I owe you an important part of me.

It was only when we were far apart, only when we lost touch that I realized how much you have appreciated what most people do not see about me. Honestly even I am not sure what was it that you found in me then that made you take me in.

All I know is that I was not in the model-esque state as what we would want then. I used to say that I even looked like tocino.

But you held my hand.

And you kept me close.

And you even kissed me silly… in front of that jeepney… amidst the crazy club party…

We have buried each other beneath the hundred faces we see and the hundred miles that set us apart.

I woke up one day with my self searching for you… Looking for you carrying in my heart the realization of how much I was appreciated even with the scars on my face still bleeding. I scoured cyberspace. Nada.

I flipped through my consciousness and there I felt you. Memories of your touch, your lips, and your face flashed in the gloom. I felt you. I have found you in my self-esteem, giving it that snap—double, triple snap. And you are here in essence, I guess until whenever, making me believe that certain people really do have their hearts for their eyes.

This is too much blah for a thank you note, but you know, I have so much to thank you about.

You found me. I found you. I couldn’t have you. And I know you couldn’t have me too. We're never meant to be together. I wouldn’t want to. And I know you wouldn’t want to either.

Until the sea has splashed on breakwater a hundred times one fateful dusk and the sunset has painted a thousand portraits in the velvet sky I saw your smile again, teeth with braces. Perfect. I was. You were. No words. No hi not even good bye. It was a fleeting moment. I was happy. I was thankful. Finally we saw eachother again in the flesh. You saw the new me. I saw the new you. It was time to stop searching. I did.

Old photos, new you. I see you are committed now, I still am single. What you did to me just made my standards a notch higher—nah. I see you have decided to jam some clothesline across your teeth. Nice. Thank you for finding your way back. I’ve always known you know how to, di mo lang ginagawa. Thank you for picking me up along the way towards your new road. Now that you did, I say thank you because you have the choice not to. I'll keep my peace. Keep yours.

MANILA is the capital of the Pearl of the Orient Seas.

Tracing its history, several occupations such as Spanish, Japanese, and American ruled over the historic city. The battles to win power over Manila caused the city to be crushed several times. Nevertheless the resilient city has always been able to rebuild itself and rise from destruction.

Today, the metropolis is a thriving hub of culture and economy.  It is home to over 10 million Filipinos and many Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, Koreans, Muslims, and other foreign population who found a piece of heaven amidst the premiere city’s bustling commerce.

Being part of the global cities of the world, Manila has been prepared to be more internationally competitive. From nostalgic structures and ruins to people, vendors and hawkers along streets, these only-in-the-Philippines trademarks give character to Manila, making it unique and outstanding.

Over the millennium, pollution, overpopulation, traffic, congestion, and crime became a challenge. Nevertheless, Manilans remain ready and willing to safeguard and uplift the illustrious city.

Come what may, the innate warmth of the locals and the city’s unique identity makes it dear to people’s hearts and a place I call home.

and now i stare at a white page. empty. waiting to be filled with whatever thought that comes to my mind and fluid enough to slip through my consciousness triggering my fingers to type away. i feel different yet the same. i feel light yet i know i have tons of schedules to attend and deadlines to meet. i feel the world around me as it runs relentlessly rapid. i feel my senses have opened, ready for experience yet i im confined in a claustrophobic room. no i dont want another eye. no i dont want additional sense.

i type away with another line on this white page. i delete. i rethink. i look around and see the normal clutter around this room. my sight seems to be clearer. is it because of the new fluorescent light? i keep wondering why i suddendly feel lighter over the past two days. its a different feeling to me yet it seems familiar. am i having a paranormal experience or this is just a normal phase in developing maturity? could this be a step closer to be a psychic or just another experience similar to andropose?

ah. i have my old bestfriend back. the person i shared a lot of secrets with. the person i feel comfortable with. the person who knows me (or at least a lot about me). she has grown. bigger. better. but just the same old freaky character she is known for. i guess this is whats causing all of the weird stuff around me, or so i surmise. whatever it is, i love that its positive. i love that i feel stronger now and more confident with the thought that i have another fortress beside me. i walk taller knowing that nothing could go wrong. if ever something does, i am assured that i have her not in front of me to dictate, not at my back to let a chance for me to falter but at my side strutting the runway of life with kickass attitude.

its been a lifetime since she veered away from my fabulous self and a lot has changed in me, in her, and in everything that surround us. one thing never did change and that same thing assured me that i got back the right friend and not some crazy freak. im sure we have found each other back because in each others company we have again found home.

This statistics is a result of the
study conducted by the Professional
Regulations Commission (PRC) and the
Commission on Higher Education (CHED),
based on the average passing in the
BOARD EXAMINATIONS OF ALL COURSES of
all universities and colleges in the
Philippines . This study is concluded
every 10 years.

Eleven schools come from Luzon , two
from the Visayas and seven from
Mindanao .

1. University of the Philippines
(Diliman Campus / Luzon )

2. University of the Philippines
(Los Banos Campus/ Luzon )

3. University of the Philippines
(Manila Campus / Luzon )

4. Silliman University ( Dumaguete
City / Visayas)

5. Ateneo deDavao University ( Davao /
Mindanao )

6. Ateneo de Manila University
( Manila / Luzon )

7. University of Sto . Tomas ( Manila /
Luzon )

8. Mindanao State University (Iligan
Institute ofTech/ Mindanao )

9. Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila
(Manila/Luzon)

10. Saint Louis University ( Baguio
City / Luzon )

11. University of San Carlos ( Cebu
City / Visayas)

12. Xavier University (Cagayan de Oro /
Mindanao )

13. Mindanao State University (Main /
Mindanao )

14. Urios College ( Butuan City /
Mindanao )

15. Polytechnic University of
the Philippines ( Manila / Luzon )

16. De La Salle University ( Manila /
Luzon )

17. Mapua Institute of Technology
( Manila / Luzon )

18. Adamson University ( Manila /
Luzon )

19. Central Mindanao University
(Bukidnon/Mindanao)

20. University of Southern Philippines
( Davao / Mindanao )

i wouldnt know if this thing is up to date but im just so proud to see the highlighted portion of the list be in this awesome roster. gad. damn those PLMayers. true blue manilans kick ass. ahaha. its so unexpected.

Shaken, not stirred is a famous catch phrase of Ian Fleming's fictional British Secret Service agent, James Bond and his preference for how he wished his martini prepared. The phrase first appears in the novel Diamonds Are Forever (1956), though Bond does not actually say the line until Dr. No (1958). It was first uttered in the films by Sean Connery in Goldfinger in 1964 (though the villain Dr. Julius No offers this drink and utters those words in the first film, Dr. No in 1962) and was used in numerous Bond films thereafter, with the notable exception of You Only Live Twice, in which the drink is offered stirred, not shaken.

This phrase has become a recognizable catchphrase in western popular culture, and has appeared in any number of films television programmes and video games for its cliché value.

The American Film Institute honoured Goldfinger and the phrase on July 21, 2005 by ranking it #90 on a list of best movie quotes in the past 100 years of film.

Why shaken, not stirred?

Scientists, specifically biochemists, and martini connoisseurs have investigated the difference between a martini shaken and a martini stirred. According to a study at the Department of Biochemistry at the University of Western Ontario in Canada to determine if the preparation of a martini has an influence on their antioxidant capacity, the shaken gin martinis were able to break down hydrogen peroxide and leave only 0.072% of the peroxide behind, versus the stirred gin martini which left behind 0.157% of the peroxide. The study was done at the time because moderate consumption of alcohol appears to reduce the risk of cataracts, cardiovascular disease, and stroke, none of which afflict the fictional James Bond.

Andrew Lycett, an Ian Fleming biographer, believed that Fleming liked his martinis shaken, not stirred because Fleming thought that stirring a drink diminished its flavour. Lycett also noted that Fleming preferred gin and vermouth for his martini. It has also been said that Fleming was a fan of martinis shaken by Hans Schröder, a German bartender.

Some connoisseurs believe that shaking gin is a faux pas, supposedly because the shaking "bruises" the gin (a term referring to a slight bitter taste that can allegedly occur when gin or vodka is shaken). Others contend that Bond was only shaking because of the vodka it contained. Prior to the 1960s, vodka was, for the most part, refined from potatoes (usually cheaper brands). This element made the vodka oily. To disperse the oil, Bond ordered his martinis shaken; thus, in the same scene where he orders the martini, he tells the barman about how vodka made from grain rather than potatoes makes his drink even better. This does not explain why Bond in the films still preferred his drink to be shaken rather than stirred, because beginning mostly in the 1960s vodka refined from potatoes was virtually replaced by vodka refined by grains such as corn and wheat or by other ingredients such as grapes and soybeans.

Other reasons for shaking tend to include making the drink colder or as Bond called it, ice-cold. Shaking allows the drink to couple with the ice longer thus making it far colder than if it were to be stirred. Shaking is also said to dissolve the vermouth better making it less oily tasting.

While properly called a Bradford, shaken martinis also appear cloudier than when stirred. This is caused by the small fragments of ice present in a shaken martini.

Peewee goes for the figurative meaning still. 

i havent got plans of replacing my 3year old phone primarily bcz i just couldnt. weve shared so much milestones together. my phone has been with me through thick and thin and i know it wouldnt leave me no matter what. ...until some weirdo took it from me. huhu.

my phones got important contacts, very important contacts in fact. it pains me to think that i lost them now. more importanly, the thoughts and ideas that hit me on days or nights i get possessed are saved in my phone. most of all my pictures, my precious precious pictures. theyre gone now. and so tonight (today) i can write the saddest lines... <thank you neruda>

                   still not over it...

this 6230 <little piggy> went to the rice terraces...

this 6230 went to enchanted kingdom

this 6230 went to puerto galera

this 6230 went to puerto galera, again

 

this 6230 went to my mouth... in hongkong disneyland

 

 this 6230 went to DHL...

and a lot more places that i have good memories with. hay. one thing i cant get over is losing this phone and nothing else. oh. the break up. i mean the break down. the crash down, i mean, of my pc and losing all my data. that too. crap.

well at least i was able to actually know what the 'masa' really is.

ive been a loyal soldier for the grand architect of manila. we were fighting a political battle that we are sure to win with a victory that will bring a new face to the blueprint of building a truly premiere capital. with little water i quenched my thirst in our desert-like field, thinking about what im fighting for and everything else that comes with it including those who relentlessly believe in the same vision but arent really armed for the warfare. i know i was not that well-geared however, i march forward.

with barely enough sleep and a pounding heart i keep guard to what ive been standing for in a more cramped political battle ground. i had my face scarred and all. the masa says we're losing. i continue to move on bcz i know i am not alone. i have so much to look forward to. i have made myself completely a part of this political warfare. i keep hold of what ive invested in the fight--myself.

are we really on a losing end?

afternoon of the third day of canvassing of votes. everybody's still hopeful for a miracle of some sort...

ali conceded.

we won 200,000 votes. way less than the opponent's.

it was a clean fight at our end.

im tired. im wounded. im dazed.

battle over.

Here is a story that I do not tire of quoting: "Two roommates meet for the first time. One is a small-town girl on scholarship, the other a wealthy, convent school graduate. The small town girl greets her new roommate with a huge smile and asks, ‘So, where are you from?’ The colegiala sniffs, ‘From a place where we know better than to end our sentences with prepositions.’ The small town girl, jolly as ever, replies, "So, where are you from, bitch?’"

There you are. One roommate was catty, the other bitchy.

When you are catty, you like to cut people down out of anxiety (fear) or spite (malice). To you, everybody is a loser and therefore not worth your time or attention or friendship. If you do socialize, you do it out of a need for company and to feed your already ready-to-burst ego. You feel so superior that no one can be your equal or heaven forbid, better than you.

The word catty comes from — you guessed it — the cat. A cat is independent and is happiest being left alone to luxuriate in her controlled environment. If she gets hungry or suddenly has the urge for company and once satisfied, it would again retreat to its own space and leave you behind.

In contrast, a bitch is described as a female dog. And dogs by nature are inherently incapable of contempt. To her, happiness is synonymous with her master.

But wait, there are bitches, and then, there are bitches. That’s because oftentimes, being catty is mistaken for being bitchy. It’s not the same.

When women gossip, they call it being bitchy. Wrong. It’s being catty. The ultimate aim is to flaunt a holier-than-thou attitude, and it’s a cop-out way to celebrate the misfortune or tragedy of others. The element of malice is glaring and evident.

To be a good bitch, you must focus on your creativity, your uniqueness. You must not be afraid to make mistakes. In fact, you use these mistakes as a starting
point to bring out the courage to own up to these fumbles and feel within you a fount of emerging strength that could only make you better today than you were yesterday.

But be aware that being bitchy can be a lonely place. There are attendant demands that you must prepare for. You can be alone with no allies or kakampi and — the crucial part — you stand the risk of being misunderstood or even rejected. There is no guarantee that everyone will rally behind you, much less understand your stand. But so long as you are not out to destroy yourself or anyone, you are on the right path.

The small-town roommate displayed a genuine connection with her inner bitch. She remained cheerfully unaffected and resistant to scorn, holding her own with humor and dignity. Above all, she refused to play the shame game.

I read an article written by Martha Beck, author of Finding your Own North Star, where she said, "Whenever you feel shame, consider it a signal to act forcefully. So you’ve made mistakes. Big deal, your inner bitch will say. Learn from your errors and do better next time. Afraid you’ll fail and look stupid? Your inner bitch doesn’t give a damn how you look; she’d rather try and fail than not try at all. Let your bitchiest side attack your shame until you are certain that no choice you make is based on either the fear of being shamed or the intent to shame anyone else. There is enormous power in this, in holding your head up and refusing to be shame’s prisoner. It is the prerequisite to all creativity. Remember a dog’s role is to chase catty things and cats typically run like hell when they’re jumped by a feisty bitch."

When shame is gone, Martha Beck said that the other qualities of a bitch will naturally emerge: "The playfulness, the enthusiasm, the curiosity and genuine affection."

In my own experience, my mother never even raised her voice to get her message through but believe me, we got the message and so did many others. In the end, we learned that more than the strength of character she possessed, she was a woman of integrity and virtue. Truly admirable.

Was she a bitch? Happily and contentedly to the very end, I might add.

* * *

From a friend and an inspired writer, Lolita Delgado-Fansler, comes the following assertion of the art and science of bitchology: "When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

"When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

"When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

"Being a bitch means I won’t compromise what’s in my heart.

"It means I live my life MY way. It means I won’t allow anyone to step on me.

"When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish.

"It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I "should" be.

"I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want.

"And there is nothing wrong with that!

"So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won’t succeed.

"And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

"I embrace the title and am proud to bear it."

 

 

 

The Philippine STAR

Sunday Life


Awake the inner bitch in you
PURPLE SHADES By Letty Jacinto-Lopez
Publication Date: [Sunday, April 08, 2007]